Thursday, April 25, 2013

So, last night I couldn't sleep and started to read On the Road. Seems that Jack went out on the road right after his marriage fell apart, and at the beginning, Dean was in Salt Lake. I don't want to read too much into anything, but I thought about the similarities. A long road trip is serving to distance myself from my failed marriage and the drama that surrounds my ex at all times. It also is serving to separate myself from myself. The self mired in someone else's sink-hole. The self that chose to be mired in someone else's sink-hole. Internally, I am driving out of those choices. Literally, I am driving away from those choices. I'm not sure there's much of a difference between the internal and the external anymore. Buddha did say that what you think - is.

But, day two is now completed! A 9 hour drive from Salt Lake City to Sidney, Nebraska. A lot of downhill resulted in getting about 540 miles on one tank of gas. Once again, I'm in a Motel 6 - this one is a little "nicer," but doesn't have a bottle opener in the bathroom. Oh, well...

I was tired today. Drove in silence for about 2 hours while the cats rustled around in their carrier high on kitty valium. My mind was unfocused, and all the negative stuff really took advantage. Like the Taliban. So, I turned on an audible book and drove in a numb haze for a few more hours.

Stopped at three places - let the kitties out at the first one. We hung out and drank water together. I was driving in altitude and didn't want anyone dehydrated. When we stopped in Wyoming, it was at this lone gas station/deli place. They were so incredibly nice. They even mailed a postcard for me to my neices and nephews.

Listened to some country music, some classic rock, and then an NPR program on the legalities of the arrest of the 19 year old marathon bomber who is an American citizen, but was still not marandized based on "imminent" threat even though the Boston police went on air to say that there was no more threat after they shot a gazillion rounds of ammunition at a bleeding, unarmed suspect. The government can do that to a non-citizen, but a citizen? I think the boy needs to be locked up for life -- to be that susceptible to others's ideas of right and wrong (that's what he's saying at least) is very dangerous. But, it's the right to an attorney to negotiate information in exchange for not seeking the death penalty or other consideration that seems to be the big issue. At least to OJ's attorney - too weary to remember his name right now. Maybe to me too. I hate that we don't extend Constitutional rights to non-citizens - do we believe that every human as these rights, or don't we? Let's really spread democracy and a right to representation and a trial by one's peers.  But, I digress. We'll see. Interesting case.

Speaking of legalities. I just wrote a draft of a confidential settlement agreement and sent it to my RDP's "representative." Apparently, she's so upset that she can't even email with me. This has been going on for about 6 weeks now. I keep thinking how strange it is - she broke up with me! She was "done" with me! Why am I ok with this break up and she isn't? Why is she mad at me for being so mean to me and refusing to talk about anything but what to watch on t.v. - for like a year! The world she's living in right now doesn't seem completely attached to what is actually happening. I saw her for the first time in 6 weeks the day before I left. She was in a "I'm a hotshot" mode - complete with new, expensive sunglasses (wonder where the money is coming from?). Her comment, "I have nothing to say to you." And angry! So angry. She's been bullying me for weeks on end at this point. I now understand how frightened she must be. Seeing her like that - I know her and saw the pose. Saw the insincerity of her "I have nothing to say to you." My guess is she has a lot to say to me. About me. But, really, after having seen her and seen her angst, I sincerely wish that she be free from all the suffering she's going through right now.  

Ok. Well, I'm really tired. Gotta' sleep so I can get up and drive to Kansas City to see three of my favorite college friends! Time to drink a cold one and cheers to the me that has driven out the sink-hole...

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