End of day one of the big cross the country road trip. It turned out that it really took about 12 hours to get to Salt Lake City. Went by fairly quickly. We stopped twice for a real stretch, and as the big pregnant moon rose and the sun slipped behind the planet, Bellie and Chester stayed out of their carrier and curled up on the seat next to me. I was so happy there with my little family driving under a near full moon that I couldn't stop smiling for some time. I've now arrived in a Motel 6 near the airport - I think I missed the Big Salt Lake, but maybe I'll get to see some extravagant Mormon Temple in the morning as I drive out. I certainly could see the bottle opener on the bathroom cabinet within reach of the toilet.

The first part of the drive I was sort of out of it. I had to wait to leave until business hours in order to get a Termination of Domestic Partnership form notarized. The settlement agreement is an entirely different story - the one I got from my RDP doesn't even try to comply with the relevant sections of the Family Code. Rather, it was a transparent attempt to communicate just what it is about this break-up that she thinks are important. Like stiffing me on her half of the last utility bills. There I was, thinking that the loss of our love story and our family was the important part. Silly me.

I am also not surprised, and am disappointed that I am consistently not surprised, at her slightly irrational and bleak actions. For instance, she waited until 7 p.m. the night before I was leaving for a cross country trip to "serve" me with all sorts of papers that didn't quite add up to what needed to be served. And there was no process server. Regardless, I had to get a form notarized before I left California. So, instead of getting an early start, I got out of town around 10, and hence, didn't get to Salt Lake until 11:30 local time (10:30 PST).

But, I digress. Which is what that relationship has really been all about. I got off a highway, stopped at a Starbuck's and got talked into taking a job there by a charming, sexy, sweetly old-fashioned woman. Three years later, I walk out of the Starbuck's and realize that she's gone. Well, never was, really.

My friend Laura doesn't understand that metaphor but I think it's appropros. Starbuck's is about the right level of shallow that I walked into with my RDP, and then drowned in. Takes some doing to drown in an inch of bullshit. And, yes, I know that my first sentence ended in a preposition. Fuck it. I'm tired.

Halfway through the drive, in the middle of the Nevada desert on the I-80, I turned off my audible book and drove in silence for about three hours. I love the desert. It's so endless and yet contained by far off mountains. And they used to be covered by ocean. I love the heat in the day and the cold at night. And the desert got me thinking about why I love to drive so much. I love road trips and I love to drive in silence. Not the whole time. But audible books or music are more like the drum and bass line until I find my lyrics and at least one kick-ass lead guitar solo.

Today, it was about time. When I'm driving in a car, time is measured in miles, and I'm moving with the miles. Traversing time by moving miles. Tends to make me think that driving, or flying, or being in a train or bus is like being time itself. Then again, most of us also walk and run and go places. We're time itself then as well. I guess. This is a tricky sort of experience, or idea, to put into words. It's more like a feeling of the absolute impermanence happening within the absolute nature of emptiness. And, vice versa.

Anyway. That was a fun few hours of thinking about shit I find interesting. I was hopped up on a lot of caffeine and nicotine (yes, I'm a failure and a loser and totally addicted to nicotine).

Driving into Utah with the almost full moon in front of you on top of these really cool layered rocky mountain things with the red sunset shining in through the back of the car -- no words. Really. As my friend Jennifer and Kate taught me - one can get a little high on pretty.

And then there were the final 2.5 hours of dark driving and getting a little lost before finding the Motel 6, and signing in with my legs crossed. I tried to pretend I was in a yoga class but fuck, I had to go. And, then unloading of litter box, 2 cats, suitcase and food bag. Ate a little Wildwood Thai Tofu and light Triscuits. A little light English Cheddar. Drank my Metamucil and am now enjoying, yes ENJOYING, a last smoke before I turn the lights out. Well, all except one. I'll get scared without at least the bathroom light on.